Those I Have Loved

by Maya Morita

Jenna Dyann

I do not remember much. This love clouded my memory with fear and agonizing pain. Although I was 14, I was in love. Jenna and I met on the track of Dempsey Middle School in Delaware, OH. Jenna was in love with a boy. I don’t remember his name. I had 7th period choir with her, we did not talk during that class. However, I got her number through a mutual friend, Mckenna.

I would text Jenna while laying on the carpet of my grandmother’s house. She seemed as though she was such a sweet, damaged soul. I wanted to fix this. She told me about her self-harm and depression, things my 14 year old self desperately wanted to fix.

I held her hand while we walked around the track after lunch. I also held her hand during choir, to the point where Mrs. Cinereski would yell at us. Homosexual relationships are abnormal at 14. I would ask her twin brother every day if she were at school that day, so I would know if I could hold Jenna Dyann’s hand.

I took Spanish in middle school, and every April the Spanish and French classes held a language fair for the 7th graders. Before the 2015 language fair, I met Jenna at her locker. It was on the first floor while mine was on the second. I worked up a lot of courage that day to kiss her, so I did. I don’t remember what she tasted like, but it was my first kiss. Kissing girls was nice. Comforting. Girls are soft and sweet and I knew from that point on I liked them, more than in a friendly way. Jenna and I had not told anyone of our relationship, so on the first floor of John C. Dempsey Middle School was where we had come out.

Jenna and I reached high school together, we shared a locker in the 4000’s wing. She would wait outside my journalism class at the end of the day so we could get our stuff from the locker together. We would walk each other to our buses, she rode 44 that goes to the west side while I rode 48 to the east side.

One day I hugged Jenna before we got onto our buses. We were stopped and threatened by our vice principal when he told us he would write us up if we had ever made contact like that again. I grew up with a homophobic family, however, that was the first form of homophobia expressed toward me. I feel as though young couples never factor in the idea of homophobia. Everything is so fresh and exciting, you just want to get that out into the world, and have a lack of regard for other people’s opinions.

This love turned poisonous in high school. I grew tired of the arguing and the manipulation quickly. There were many nights in which I could not pay adequate attention to Jenna Dyann, resulting in her threatening to kill herself. There were nights in which I called an ambulance for her, because she was so close to going through with it. As a 15-year-old girl, I was tired. I was not out to my immediate family, so I spent countless nights on the phone with 911 crying out of fear that I was going to lose the one I loved.

I grew numb. I was so numb to the constant cycle of manipulation. I tried to end it, but I could not bring myself to break Jenna Dyann’s heart. I am not a monster to those who are hurting and need support. But I was endlessly exhausted. So tired and so broken to the point where self inflicted destruction was the only way to feel something besides the exhaustion.

Anorexia took over my life by the end of my freshman year, it shut down the ability for my body to feel things like sadness and anxiety. It could not produce it. I felt euphoria from the compliments on my weight, but that exhaustion lingered. I was still so numb.

The last day of my freshman year of high school, I broke up with Jenna Dyann. We have not spoken since. I am sorry for hurting you.

Gabrielle Allison

G

Gabby was a senior, while I was a sophomore, which was my biggest mistake. I am not sure how I thought someone could love a 16-year-old girl plagued with mental illness, and desperate for affection. Especially when they were about to move to Boston.

Gabby was quick. Gabby opened things within myself that I did not think was possible. I could be seen in a sexual light. I was a sexual being that was desirable. I believe to this day that it was the eating disorders that did it. I was small, delicate, something someone could completely destroy.

As quick as Gabby and I spoke of sex, was just as quick that it was over. Gabby did not speak to me. I was a pariah on the newspaper for going after Gabby. She was highly spoken of, and I was new, I was nothing.

Gabby and I haven’t spoken since.

Madelynn Renee

This one broke me. This one broke me hard, and still is to this day. Maddy and I met on the soccer team my sophomore year of high school, soon after Gabby and I ended things. Maddy was soft, forgiving, but straight. She was a sheltered person who somehow opened up to me. I would stay up all night on school nights listening to her compelling stories of her sadness. I wanted to fix it. I made it my goal to fix Maddy Wilson.

Maddy and I spent the entire summer of 2017 together, hiking, holding hands, and speaking only of our affection for each other. Maddy Wilson asked me to be her girlfriend on July 17, 2017.

On July 21, 2017, I lost my virginity to Maddy Wilson. We were in Stratford Ecological Center in the back of the woods. It was soft and loving. I was her first girl, and she was my first time. I often think of how her brown eyes looked in the sunlight while we were in the back of those woods. How her skin tasted of bug spray because it was the middle of July after a heavy rain, I didn’t mind. We were so new at this that we couldn’t help but laugh and kiss. It was never awkward though. We were past that, it was just pure admiration and comfort with each other.

Maddy Wilson and I played soccer together in the fall of 2017. We were captains of the Hayes team. No one knew the captains were together. We would hook up before games, and work harmoniously on the field because we were so in tune with each other’s bodies.

2017-2018 was Maddy’s senior year, while I was a junior. Maddy and I had a mutual group of friends on the soccer team that also did not know we were in a relationship. Her sister, Payje, was in this group who was extremely possessive of Maddy. I did not mind, because although I did not have siblings, I understood how someone could crave the constant comfort of Maddy. In October of 2017, before Maddy’s senior night, we all got together to tell each other just how thankful we were for each other, because three of them would be leaving for college in May. I could not get through telling Maddy Wilson how thankful I was for her without crying. I never cry. Later that night as Maddy was lying next to me, I began crying once again out of sadness for her soon departure. That is the moment I told Madelynn Renee that I loved her. I loved Maddy, I loved her more than I could love anyone.

Maddy and I spent the rest of her senior year together, and eventually came out as a couple. I went to her graduation and watched her make her valedictorian speech. We were the perfect couple bound for marriage.

In August of 2018, Maddy left for college. Our relationship grew toxic once she left, but it was clouded by the excitement of her return to Delaware, OH. We would argue over the phone because of my lack of trust, and constant fear of abandonment. But it would all be over once we’re together, right?

Maddy and I worked at a day camp together over the summer, we would meet up before work to get coffee, and hook up in the back of one of our cars in the parking lot of the camp, and go on small dates once our work day was over with. I felt pure bliss and comfort staring up at the morning light through the sunroof of her car, while she kissed down my body. Love with Maddy was poetic and kind. I was undeniably hers when she would look up at me in the back of her Chevrolet with her dilated brown eyes, and her careful hands that traced the edges of my body. All toxicity and doubt left that summer. We were each other's with each touch, each kiss, each look that we gave to each other under that sunroof in the morning light. Our love was undeniable, it was two years strong and content.

I joined Maddy at Ohio University. We lived together in a dorm room on campus and worked shifts at the campus coffee shops together. It was a mistake. I grew an attachment. Love needs room to grow and I suffocated that love. We spent countless hours together that tore us apart rather than bringing us closer together. She grew cold and distant in these months, while I grew desperate for the love we shared over the summer.

Maddy and I were a summer kind of love. We were warm and harmonious during the summer, but cold and bitter during the winter. I am not sure why, maybe we constantly longed for that first summer together, sneaking away from our families to lay under the trees in the woods and express our attraction to each other. Or maybe the cold brought out our true selves.

Nonetheless, Maddy broke up with me in May of 2020. We remained friends for a short while, I hoped for something more eventually, but it never came. We have not spoken since September of 2020.

Isabella Marie

Izzy was meant to be short lived. I had intentions of filling the holes Madelynn left me with. But Izzy was different. Izzy was not as intense as my other loves. The serene nature of our relationship was nice.

I met Izzy in July of 2020, at the store she works at in Polaris, OH. I had not needed to actively seek love in years, I was rusty. I felt as I did when I first accepted my sexuality, nervous but eager to feel something.

Izzy and I had our first date about a week after we met. We watched her favorite movie in her bedroom. I couldn’t help but to notice the variety of decorations on her walls. She was different from the others, she was my first adult love.

She was gentle and slow when she touched me, she wasn’t new to it though. Izzy expressed her respect for my body through her movements, something I never quite experienced before. She treated my body as if it were her own. I was not an object and I was not a territory to explore. I was a person. When Izzy touched me, I felt as though I could breathe again. My body was realizing it's worth, and no longer suffocated with the regrets Madelynn Renee left me with. I was a person of value with each movement of Izzy’s hands along my body, and each time she looked at me, I knew my worth. I did not have to fix Izzy, she was mature. I could open myself to her without fear of her falling to pieces in front of me.

I did not want to feel things for Izzy, however, I was so determined to love again, that I did. I eventually asked Izzy to be my girlfriend, in September of 2020. I have never done that before, opened myself up to vulnerability and rejection. I was always on the receiving end.

However, I learned quickly I jumped into a relationship with Izzy prematurely. I was naïve and unsure of myself, which is never good for a relationship. Izzy is kind, Izzy is mature, she does not deserve someone who can’t deliver.

I broke up with Izzy shortly after things began. Our relationship was complicated. I did not hold the capacity to love, but I held the capacity to admire.

Alexis Nicole

I have blocked most of this out of my mind.

Ally was a girl plagued with BPD and diabetes, but in reality she was my worst nightmare.

We met in my sophomore year of college. She was a new type of love, one that appeared unexpectedly, one I did not need to fill the holes others left me with.

We met at a party in her house. I was there with my roommate and my friend. We started a conversation on how we were both from the same area. These conversations soon grew sour.

Ally left an everlasting mark on my soul, and not in a good way. There was tension, tears and many nights spent in my car.

I had worked tirelessly to rebuild myself after Maddy, but Ally took that away within a year.

Within only five months, I found myself unable to leave the house. I didn’t have the energy to shower, I wasn’t able to see friends, participate in my college publication, or even my classes. I was depleted, I was nothing. For 14 months I was the shell of a human, with my soul purpose to serve another.

At the end of our relationship, I was tired, but I did not think I could find anyone after Ally. I thought that the shell I was, was the best I could amount to. But after days of radio silence, Ally broke up with me and I finally felt peace. I could finally breathe.

At this point in my life, I cannot put into words the details of that relationship. My mind has worked to block the specifics, making it easier to move on with my life.

Madison Taylor

While I was in a relationship with Ally, I met Madison. I had no interest in Madison for I was obviously where I thought I would reside the rest of my life, within Ally’s grasp. Madison and I saw each other a few times throughout the course of my time with Ally, but it was simple hellos and free coffee at my work.

About two months after things ended with Ally, I took a chance and invited Madison to my roommate's birthday party. Which is where I felt something I hadn’t in a while. Although it was one night, Madison showed me adoration like I had never experienced before. I connected with her on a different level. After that initial connection and our 15 hour long conversation, we made plans to see each other again in a couple weeks.

In a normal circumstance, I would feel uncomfortable to the point of wanting to crawl out of my own skin around a new love interest. I quickly learned that feeling is not normal once I met Madison. Life was easy and comfortable with her.

On August 3, 2022 at 2:15 a.m., Madison and I were lying in my bed, going back and forth with one another as to whether or not we wanted to commit to a relationship. This question would have been easy to answer if we had moved this fast with other people prior to this, but this pace was new to us. We determined that in our senior year of college, we did not have the time nor the energy to ignore our feelings or even question them. Things had aligned so perfectly that there was no denying that we were meant to do this.

As cliché as it sounds, every moment with Madison makes me feel almost like I am at the end of my own coming of age movie. Everything is just so easy, even when it shouldn’t be.

At eight months, Madison has erased the lasting insecurities Madelynn left me with. Madison has returned the self worth that Gabrielle took from me. Madison has helped me rebuild my sense of self that Ally stripped me of. Madison has turned me into a person that I never thought I could be.

Although all of this is still so new, after three years of updates and changes, I hope this is the final installment of my story.

Maya Catherine

She is not a love, but simply myself. Many hold the capability to love themselves, but I did not. Maya Catherine Morita blocked my capability to love another purely and without fear, because I didn't love her.

I am plagued with anorexia, anxiety, and PTSD, which closed off healthy relationships with anyone, especially myself. My experiences from a child to adulthood shaped my mindset and self worth. I created ideologies as to why life played out the way it did. I tried to answer questions as to why I couldn’t find a partner that loved me. Why I couldn’t find a family member that would love me unconditionally. Why I had to morph myself and my values in order to be loved. I couldn’t be loved, so why should I seek it?

After countless years of questions and no answers, I learned that I was searching for love in the wrong places. I learned I am a being of value if I believe that I am. The encounters I have faced are not a reflection of my worth, but a reflection of others. What I have endured in life is not something to make me unlovable, it is proof that I can love under harsh circumstances.

Maya can’tcan love. But she’s working on it And she worked hard to do so.