Fear of Death? Ha, I Fear Next Tuesday

by Amy Szmik

I was raised Catholic. I was raised to believe in God and that there is a Heaven where your soul goes when you die. As a child, I grew up fearing the possibility of death and not going to Heaven. The idea of your soul suffering scared me beyond words. I couldn’t understand why we existed if we were just meant to die. When my grandma died, I was told she was in Heaven. It comforted me to know she was somewhere supposedly happy, but as I grew older and broke away from religion, I started to question why we existed and why we had to die.

It still hurts my brain to understand how the universe exists and how we all came to be human beings. Whether it was because of the Big Bang Theory or some higher power, I remember having long conversations with my partner about why we’re here and what happens to us after we leave. We would sit for hours on end, just talking and passing back questions or theories. Why do we exist in a vacuum? For a while, I held a nihilistic perspective of the world and mortality. We’re all here and causing so many issues and problems. Human beings were a mistake. The negative perception of the world made it hard to see anything as good. I thought that people who were afraid to die had no reason to be scared because there was nothing there. I couldn’t seem to see why it mattered what we did when there was no concept of Heaven or Hell. There seemed to be no reason for our existence as human beings when all we did was hurt each other and then die. It was like a vicious cycle that I couldn’t understand or figure out.

One day it felt like everything changed. No longer did I hold such a nihilistic and negative perspective on life. It was as if everything has done a 180, but I think I understand why. Crawling out of the confusion of religion and mortality, I realized that it didn’t matter why we were here. We were here on this planet. I spent so long saying that we live and then die, and while that’s true it’s not all negative. I don’t know why we exist and why we die, but we mind as well enjoy the life we have. Death is a sad thing and there’s no way around it. However, I have learned to look at it as a way to celebrate the life of the person. I stopped being so pessimistic because it wasn’t doing anything for me. I wanted to be able to enjoy being a human being on this planet. I no longer think of death as something that you either go to paradise or eternal suffering from. I don’t know what happens and while I’m not religious, I believe there is some form of spiritualism there. Death comes for everyone and you can’t escape it. It is scary to go into the unknown, but death shouldn’t be scary in a fear of damnation. Humans should not have to live in fear and believe they only exist to die.

That’s not living. I’ve accepted that death happens in life. Our energy doesn’t leave. We’re always still here.