Favored Aphrodite

by Mya Frame

I’ve never considered myself lonely, not until her.

I’m a hypocrite of my own morals. “Practice what you preach,” I say, but my words ring hollow. Shaking hands, unspoken words, just tell someone. Tell someone. Tell her. Yet my voice is muffled by the wretched vomit in my toilet.

I smother the light that wants better with the lies in my mind. I tell myself I deserve this but I can’t even think of why. I should purge these dark thoughts, but instead I hold hands with them and guide them deeper into the recesses of my mind.

It's easier to share the symptoms rather than the disease. They’re palatable, easier to understand. But the issue lies when they compare their cough from the common cold to your suffocation from lung cancer. Just like tar, the thoughts build up. They stop me from breathing, thinking, but no matter how far down my throat I shove my clawed hands, I can’t tear up that taint.

I can always change my appearance: dye my hair, buy new clothes, do my makeup, starve myself. I never worried about that. I can always control my actions: listen to others, please those around me, fake a smile, help. I never worried about that, either. But that isn’t what she wants. She wants an interesting personality, meaningful experiences, splendid joys, deepest sorrows. And that’s the one thing I can never change about my gray soul.

Sick, sick, sick. I can’t eat without my stomach wanting to hurl itself out into orbit. I can’t smell food without it curdling my insides. I hate the taste, I love the comfort. but it’s so temporary. I cough to hide the retching.

I hate myself for falling for her. I hate how I willingly gave myself to it and I hate how harmless I thought it’d be. I hate how obvious I am and how I can't control myself and how I gravitate around her like the moon orbits the earth, like earth orbits the sun. But no matter what, I could never hate her.

An expanse of black water opens up before me, going far, far beyond what my mortal eyes can discern. The ashy beach shrinks away as the water reaches for my bare feet. It tumbles over me, freezing my skin to the point where it burns as hot as the sun. I drown in the chaos of my mind. There is no up or down or direction, only depth, an infinite expanse.

I fear that one day I will be unable to run from the taint in my life. I'm a masochist, thriving off of the pain others inflict on me, coming back for more. I know that it’s wrong to desire my dual killer and protector, but my sense of self preservation is swallowed by the sea in my mind.

Oh wrathful Aphrodite, why must you inflict upon me such woes? My emotions have waged war against my mind, shredding everything I thought I knew into thousands of uncertainties. I can no longer trust what I thought I thought. Oh tranquil Aphrodite, bring me peace of mind.

Oh jealous Aphrodite, why can’t I be loved by her? I find myself loathing the woman I've become, craving constant change to capture her eye. Yet beauty comes from the inside, and I am nothing if not wretched and foul. Oh content Aphrodite, give me courage to be myself.

Oh lonely Aphrodite, why must I isolate myself from those who care for me? They know what’s best for me, but I never fail to push them away. I want to tell them the burning truth but the words fizzle out on my tongue. Oh favored Aphrodite, please let me be loved.